2023 New Year’s Obit
Floating Wreath with Hanging Ornaments in the Old West End
…expired peacefully during a podcast-listening dissociative episode. She had been playing games on her phone and listening when she passed. Fortunately, she had not been in the midst of one of the other podcast-listening activities, such as doing chores, working, or driving.
She felt such distraction and fulfillment while listening to the podcast, Threedom, that she simply expired in place and was found the next day with her cat lying on her chest, cat butthole facing human chin.
The podcast’s premise is three comedians, friends for years, making jokes constantly, and interrupting each other at every opportunity.
The deceased’s introduction to the podcast happened years ago, but she grew a newfound appreciation and dependence for the podcast while navigating a new apartment, a new relationship, and new layers of abuse at her job.
The deceased was found in her residence in Toledo. In the summer, she had moved into the third floor apartment of a turn of the century historical home in the Old West End.
The neighborhood was fondly referred to as OWE on merch, notedly without the periods between letters. The punctuation would have distinguished it as an acronym instead of what it looked like without: a nod to an Englishman stubbing his toe or the word OWL spelled incorrectly.
She is survived by her cat, Kylie, who as stated, was found lounging on the deceased’s chest. Despite the initial hissing that greeted the coroner, a belly was shown once treats were presented.
She is also survived by her parents, both distressed by the untimely demise of their youngest daughter. However, plans have been made for rearranging living spaces and a move to the historical home is expected in the spring.
Her brother and sister-in-law, the owners of the Old West End home, were sad not to have been housemates for longer. However, her sister-in-law was quoted saying, “I am glad that she went out listening to a comfort podcast. I like to think I had some influence on that.”
It had been after moving into the home with her family that the deceased had purchased earbuds for easy listening akin to her sister-in-law’s consumption of It’s Always Sunny episodes.
She is also survived by her boyfriend. He was dismayed by her death but also looked forward to the general hauntings he would receive. She would undoubtedly appear to crack spiritual jokes: jokes where the humorous effect is only felt by the spirit and causes seemingly random outbursts of laughing.
The funeral service will be held virtually per the deceased’s wishes. Her will stated, quote, “Let’s not bother.” End quote.The only stipulation for the service was that Threedom be played continuously.
A CBB World subscription in the deceased’s name had not yet expired and the guests of the virtual memorial were able to at least listen to the podcast without ads. Though most of the service participants still found it unlistenable.
Now on to 2023.