2025 New Year’s Obit

Custom miniature designed through Hero Forge

…died from rolling a nat one. She had been assured that her physical form would not be damaged no matter what happened on the fantastical and absurd adventure of her Dungeons & Dragons party. However, what occurred will now serve as a warning for all adventurers and dungeon masters alike.

Throughout the past year, the deceased by no means had become an expert in Dungeons & Dragons. Similar to her entrance into cat parentship, her knowledge of the D&D world grew more and more before she ever practiced it herself. She enjoyed some of the literature, listened to campaigns, and overall, possessed the nerd qualities that generally went hand in hand with adventurers.

With the knowledge she had under her belt at time of death, she was more sure of the numbers on the left side of her character sheet. More sure of her character’s quantifiable advantages and disadvantages. Mostly aware of the actual numbers for each die. And more sure of her party’s ability to, if creative enough, manipulate the tide of the adventure to their chaotic and neurotic sensibilities.

She was also sure that with or without her, the party would never fully scale the protracted wall of overthinking and doing bits: behaviors that exhausted and amused their dungeon master. If anyone had been able to ask her before the final roll, she also would have been sure that her partner would insist their dungeon master play her character’s ghost NPC for the remainder of the campaign.

The aforementioned natural one roll that ultimately attacked the deceased’s existence was intended for a battle foe. The strength behind the attack of psychic damage originated from the horror stories that the deceased knew of first- and secondhand during her brief tenure in customer service.

If onlookers could have dissected the split second before the die hit the table, they might have been able to see the cacophony of psychic damage that the half-elf bard had prepared.

A customer yelling at store employee about protesters outside the store that are not store employees.

A customer pulling on locked doors after closing. Customer unable to open doors. Customer pulling again on locked doors. Customer pulling on every - single - locked - door.

A customer complaining that they were emotionally battered by employee. Customer attempting to emotionally batter employee(s). Customer continuing to complain. Customer refusing to lodge formal complaint.

Customer coming in at close and politely requesting hour long service:

-Employee checks watch- “We actually closed two minutes ago now.”

“You did?”

“Yes.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“I thought you were still open.”

“No.”

“You’re not?”

“We close at 8.”

“It’s 8?”

“It’s 8:02.”

-checks watch- “Oh wow, it is.”

-Employee is silent-

“So you’re closed?”

“Yes, ma’am. We’re closed.”

It was a tiring split second. 

Needless to say, once the die settled on the one, the bard and woman was dead. Killed by her own psychic damage roll. Killed by the mere imaginings of customer service.

Visitors to the funeral services were invited to cosplay, but only some took advantage of the opportunity. There were a few goth cuties, some LOtR-like adventurers, and some children that fully treated the occasion like Halloween.

Visitors were also invited to provide feedback to the funeral home and/or speakers at the service. Then the deceased’s last request was fulfilled; any feedback received was duly shredded without being read or acknowledged.

On to 2025.

Featured image is a custom miniature by Hero Forge.

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