2020 New Year’s Obit

…died of excessive meditation. Yes, you read that right: meditation. She had gotten out of the habit of meditating as the year progressed, and as was her wont when she missed the mark, she began the habit again with an unhealthy fervor. The funeral home’s instructions were to leave her body refrigerated in case she was not actually dead but had momentarily left her body for some spiritual plane whence she would be back in a month or so.

She was survived by her husband of six years and her cat of who-knows-how-many years. She was certain she had known Susu Meowingtons McMaoers the Third in a past life and would know her for all subsequent lives.

Of the deceased’s funeral requests, the most participatory was that everyone reference her age as “the big three-oh”. This led to overheard conversations like the following;

“I just can’t believe it. At only thir…I mean, the big three-oh. So sad.”

“She was just too young. Only thir…the big three-oh.”

“How old was she?”

“Oh, don’t make me say it.”

The only coffee served at coffee was coffee. Oh, I’m terribly sorry. The only refreshment served at the funeral was coffee. The deceased had stopped drinking coffee for the longest time in her life since she had begun. In total, it amounted to about three months.

Before her demise, she had been making up for those months by consuming coffee from any source possible, including McDonalds and the four coffee-making devices that lived on her kitchen counter. Some non-coffee drinkers at the funeral were miffed at the absence of other potables, but her sister-in-law was contented and pleasantly caffeinated. Later on during the service, there was even an emergence of Lil’ Bro.

Leading up to her meditative fit, she had implemented various self-care routines, one of which was habitual flossing. She had started after an intensely numbing visit to the dentist where she underwent four fillings. As proof of her resolve, she even continued flossing after reading that the benefits of flossing were inconclusive. Nine out of ten dentists disagreed with the findings.

Another aspect of her self-care routine was her almost full-year of therapy, during which she obtained book recommendations and actually read them, to her therapist’s delight. Upon hearing of her client’s passing, the therapist remarked, “I’m so glad she expired during zealous self-care.”

Due to her refrigerated remains, the funeral service centered around a Snow White-esque containment cell. Disney purportedly heard of the event and requested that ™ be used near the capsule. Family members that knew of the rumor were unable to find the symbol and looked forward to the upcoming lawsuit.

Family and friends were invited to assemble at the final “death-test” before the embalming. In order to guarantee that the deceased had indeed passed on, a string of Bon Appétit videos were played in front of the refrigeration cell. If anything could have brought her back from a spiritual plane, it would have been an episode of It’s Alive. The irony was not lost on the friends and family present.

Now on to 2020.