2022 New Year’s Obit Alternate

The original obituary scheduled for 2022 but replaced New Year’s morning.

…died from FEELINGS. No, not the human feelings. They could’ve done it this year but they didn’t. Instead, it was one giant word from the sign of the smoothie shop downtown, SMOOTH FEELINGS. And for some time after the incident, just SMOOTH.

She had visited the shop but once with a friend and hadn’t bought anything after they realized it was a pyramid scheme turned health smoothie business that hadn’t actually turned. Each smoothie began as a tub of flavors and was its own all-in-one. Which caused the conversation after her question “What’s the base of the smoothies?” to go something like this:

“Oh, the base, well there’s chocolate banana, peppermint mocha, mango peach…”

“No, like, what’s the base for the smoothies.”

Looks back at the line of tubs along the counter.

“Well, it’s any of these, so there’s the coffee bases, the meal replacements, the fruity-”

“Right, so the base…”

Looks up at the sign with the list of flavors.

“So yeah, you can do any of these and we can also add ginseng, protein powder, turmeric, kimchi…”

Proceeds to read all words on the wall menu. Which would have been very helpful if she couldn’t read or couldn’t see. Unfortunately, she could do both.

Suffice it to say, at the time of her accidental demise, she was not walking to visit the smoothie shop for the second time but was walking by on her way to the library. She was prepared to phone in and then wait for the outside delivery of her at-home COVID test.

Her death prevented her from knowing if she had again been positive with the virus; however, right-wing groups briefly latched on to the specifics of her passing for their own conspiracy theories. One extremist leader known only as “Line” released the following statement:

These are the types of deaths they claim are “COVID deaths”. Walking to get a COVID test and then dying from a SIGN ! People getting COVID and then are dead from heart attacks and blood clots WEEKS later! (sic) They expect us to be stupid enough to think all of these deaths had anything to do with COVID? ! How stupid do they think we are?

Pretty stupid. In addition to ignorant and afraid.

She is survived by her cat, Kylie, now in full custody of her ex-husband, who, when hearing of her death was at first dismayed and then considered all of the cups of liquid he would need to put up before his new ward arrived.

She is also survived by her mother and father, her brother and his wife, her sister and her husband, and their four children. All of whom were living in one house at the time of her passing due to mold infestations and the housing market. When her brother-in-law was asked about her passing, he replied, “Well at least she won’t have to move in.”

At the time of her will’s creation, she knew that the state of the pandemic was unlikely to change (other than into an endemic) by the time she was dead, be that in one year or fifty. So her one stipulation for her funeral was that there be bouncers to enforce that everyone wear a mask. For greatest effect, this was not announced prior to the funeral. Therefore, multiple family members were indeed bounced, and if you listened closely, you could almost hear the deceased laughing.

The family members and guests that complied with the mask mandate were gifted wake favors, in accordance with the honoree’s wishes. She had been cremated, so the absence of an open casket was not out of the ordinary; however, when the guests began receiving their favors, the additional absence of an urn was noted.

Each mourner at their exit passed a table upon which sat numerous small stones. There was a sign directing everyone to take a stone that spoke to them, as well as an attendant standing nearby, and there was also a brand name, Parting StoneⓇ. It was only later that they realized they had each taken a stone composed of their loved one’s ashes, and the attendant standing next to the table had actually been a Parting StoneⓇ representative.

Succeeding this realization, only some of the guests returned their stones to the immediate family of the deceased. Others, like the niece and nephew generation, leaned further into the experience and painted the stones as they saw fit to commemorate the life of their beloved aunt. They knew she would have enjoyed their creative expression and the oldest girl of the group was overheard commenting, “I don’t know for sure that she was a Hufflepuff, but I think she would have appreciated the yellow and black.”

Now on to 2022.