2018 Fake Stand-up

Sooo I have a low income right now.

No surprised gasps? Yeah, me neither.

I’ve been trying out these ways to save money. You might’ve heard of one; it’s called meal prep. On one day you make your food really pretty in a bunch of Tupperware and you take pictures of it.

hashtag mealprep

So I’ll do that one week and the other week I’ll eat Taco Bell five times.

hashtag LiveMás

But on the weeks I do meal prep, I’ll do like a huge pot of spaghetti. Then I’ll parcel out each serving into a separate Tupperware and put those in the fridge.

Then I call it…

leftovers.

hashtag leftovers

That also helps with my weight.

I’ll say first, just so people don’t get mad at me, I know I’m not morbidly obese; I’ve just planned the amount of Taco Bell it would take to get there.

So since I’m fatter than I was, I’ve taken to singing to myself in the bathroom mirror, a la Julie Andrews.

Any movie…

Not Princess Diaries.

I think it’s been really helpful.

Another way I’m saving money is with my menstrual cup, this little handy cup that you can use instead of tampons or pads.

And that’s to all of you, even the men. Anyone could use it; no judgment.

Yeah, it’s just a little cup, so I guess it could…uhh…hold things?…for those of you sans vagine.

But it is great not having to wear pads. Ya know that sound a pad makes sometimes while you’re walking. Maybe it’s stuck to one side of the inside of your pants. Or stuck to itself. That little “swch” “swch” sound.

Don’t worry. It only sounds like everyone can hear it.

There might just be one person that looks up and wonders “Who’s wearing windbreakers?…

Oh…no one.”

And then they’ll go back to whatever they were doing. It’s not a big deal.

It’s also great not having to imagine I have toxic shock syndrome.

I guarantee every woman that uses tampons has on multiple occasions mistaken feeling slightly cold for having a fever and dying of TSS.

Hence, menstrual cups are great.

Now I’m a menstrual cup commercial.

And I do need the money.

Anyway, I use mine for blood. The cup that is. Menses if you want to get specific

and I see that you all do

That’s really the only thing I find alarming about it. The blood stains. Not that they get on my underwear, or clothes, or on the floor

well that all happens but not a lot…

No, it’s the blood stained fingernails. When you gotta reach up in there and really grab hold of it.

Every once in a while your uterus just decides to slowly move away from the outside world.

I don’t blame her.

But I didn’t think I would get blood stained fingernails until I became a serial killer.

Soo…

I have accomplished something.

Thanks everybody! Goodnight!