2016 New Year’s Obit

…died of a sudden diabetes attack on January 1, 2016. She is survived by her husband of two years. Her dreams and aspirations are of no consequence since none of them came to fruition. The only children she leaves behind are her eight nieces and nephews. They will be seen at the funeral on their matching Kindles. The only pet she leaves behind is that of Brody Spencer. Despite referring to him dearly as her “wup wup”, she was unable to train him.

Her widower will now be able to stay up as late as needed without hopeless reprimands.

She and her husband were married October 12, 2013. They have lived in the same town their entire life together. They have no pets or children. She worked as a proofreader. Despite being paid minimally and repeatedly assuming responsibilities beyond her position, she remained loyal to her employer of three plus years. They declined to comment on her death, but when visiting the funeral, her supervisor asked, “Is this her funeral?” Unfortunately, they had never known what she looked like.

Before her death, her most recent achievement was somewhat successfully using a menstrual cup.

Due to the sudden nature of her death, she did not have a will. However, if she had, she would have insisted her body be donated to science, cremated, or upon insistence of an open casket, prepared with the absence of a bra in order for her relatives to face the discomfort of her staring nipples while she lay finally unhindered by her self-consciousness.

Now on to 2016.