2017 New Year’s Obit

…died of a sudden fit of rage while reading an NPR article on January 1, 2017. It may have been this one, but there are many options. She was a career part-timer working as a proofreader and home health aide. Despite falling into both jobs, she developed an unhealthy level of commitment early on and some say it may have contributed to her sudden expiration.

She is survived by her husband of three years. Her only stipulation to his inheritance of her used book trove is that he quit his job immediately. She left behind no children but had become a cat mother in every respect save having an actual cat. Her family concluded that she believed a cat pillow was her pet, but her husband did not comment.

After her death, certain photos surfaced, proving the cat pillow was a beloved centerpiece of their household.

She died with excellent oral hygiene despite only ever picking up flossing for a few days at a time.

She died at her heaviest weight with many food-related regrets; however, the holiday feasts making their way through her digestive system were not among them.

Also survived by the deceased are her three “southern” friends. They were vigilantly posted at the funeral and insisted she would have been happier dying of rage in North Carolina. One friend was overheard saying, “She could have brought her husband too.”

The funeral was originally set to be an open casket, but due to her wrathful passing, the deceased’s middle fingers protruded past her other folded appendages. She was not found before rigor mortis had made her digits a lasting monument to her demise.

Now on to 2017.